Have You Had Your Schadenfreude Today?

So the other day someone engaged me in a conversation full of information I’d rather not have had. It was not useful, positive, enlightening, or nurturing in any way. What the individual had to say was born of an ignorance of the big picture—this person had no idea what they were talking about (I incorrectly use the plural rather than singular here to mask gender) when it came to the subject at hand, which included me and someone close to me. It might not have been so unpleasant had it not been practically the first words out of the person’s mouth. This took place in a setting where I had expected to relax and enjoy a peaceful afternoon, not get blindsided by spiritually draining gossip. The way the individual began speaking before they even said hello, it was almost as if they couldn't wait to tell me this bit of upsetting news. I choose to believe that it was thoughtless, not deliberate. It happens to us all.

I had a conversation with one of the subjects of the gossip, who told me to let it go and not get myself worked up over nonsense. That we both knew the truth and should not get mired in another's negativity. That person was right. All that little exercise in gossip did was help us gain a better understanding of our friendship.

Still, when I heard that a misfortune happened to that person, not a big one, thankfully, but enough to make me feel as if they got bit with some instant karma for the negative stuff they put into the universe, I indulged in what is generally known as schadenfreude—taking pleasure in someone else's misfortune. I was going to keep it private, because ultimately it's a nasty bit of business to take pleasure in someone else's schmerz, but then I started thinking about how much I dislike this emotion, and how pervasive and insidious it has become in our public culture and how I wanted to write about it.

There is the kind of schadenfreude that comes from righteous indignation. The Madoff scandal provides a good example. I don’t know anyone who didn’t practice more than a little schadenfreude when Bernie Madoff went to jail for life and his wife got booted from their penthouse and has to live like the rest of us. No punishment, it seems is too good for Madoff, and schadenfreude in this case acts like a cathartic. Schadenfreude does have it’s light moments: Who doesn’t like to see the villain in a movie get his or her just desserts? It can be positively satisfying.

It’s the kind of schadenfreude born of jealousy and ill will that worries me. The kind that makes us watch "reality" shows and laugh at the messy lives of others, patting ourselves on the back that our lives may have problems but we're not that bad off. The kind that rises out of another German term Glückschmerz—unhappiness in another’s good fortune. The "my-life-stinks-and-their-life-is-wonderful-so-ha ha-if- something-bad-happens-to-them" kind of thinking that is just wrong. It’s the schadenfreude born of wanting to exact revenge on someone who has wronged you that eats at the soul. Are we that lost, insecure, and spiritually untethered that we reflexively find joy in someone else’s misfortunes, or spend valuable time thinking about avenging every wrong? Am I?

I’m asking myself that because I’m disturbed by my reaction. This may not be a completely bad thing. According to an individual commenting on a New York Times article about the use of the word, some native Germans told him that to Germans schadenfreude means feeling guilty about the pleasure one feels because of another’s misfortune. That may be the deeper meaning, or that may be a revisionist definition that Germans made up so as not to have to take credit for such a word describing such an emotion. Being half German myself I know that Germans have not cornered the market.

Wait for it . . . Wait for it . . .

Okay so I indulged in this misbegotten emotion. Now what do I do to move on? There is an opposite to schadenfreude, and as often happens it is found among the Buddhists. There is a concept called mudita, which translates into sympathetic joy” or “happiness in another’s good fortune.” I know we all have experienced that, but how many of us do on a daily basis, feel happiness for anyone aside from our closest loved ones? I haven’t for a long time, but intend to, even if I have to go out and find someone to feel good for. I don't think it's going to be that difficult to find someone, but I do think sometime it might be difficult to indulge in selfless joy of another's good fortune, especially if we're feeling not so joyful. Its sounds easy, but I think it will take practice. At the very least we can always try those very tried and true emotions of empathy, pity, and compassion in the meantime. The rewards are great.